Growing up I had many very smart and talented friends that had dreams of going to school in state, finding a man who treated them like a queen and having babies. I used to be baffled that their dreams ended there. That was their end all be all goal. I am no longer baffled by that thought, although it is not my dream. I support what each person wants for themselves and hope that if they have not already found themselves living their dreams, that they find them soon.
I however, am at a place now where I am getting ready to graduate in april of this next year. I need to find a job to support myself 100% insurance and all. While, that task alone is daunting for anyone, I have no clue what I want. Im sure many find themselves in this position but I did not think i would end up here. Do I move? Do I teach.. english, dance, high school, studio? If i move do i move in state, out of state, new york, la, out of the country!? London is looking like a real option and something i am certainty considering. Chicago.. the place i once hated is somewhat appealing.
Here is my thought. I was so in love with new york, and I still am. But! Do I, a college graduate (something i thought i might never say) want to go back to living that pay check to pay check lifestyle. Do i want a tiny million dollar apartment, with public transit… or do i want a townhouse with a garage. I DONT KNOW. Staying in Austin is so… easy. and I love working with the dancers I have now and i have some really amazing people in my life here. But I almost feel like they are looking at me the same way i am looking at myself… “leave… why would you not leave?!” But where am i going, and for what? Im afraid i will not fall back in love with new york like i remember. That city.. i mean… my soul pounded in my whole body everyday from just being alive there and what if that doesnt happen again?
Plus, at this point, i want a job that fulfills my whole soul AND pays my bills. I know its a tall order, but it must happen. I have a job now with my amazing little family that fulfills me, all of me. But.. i have to be an adult, and adults pay rent. i hate saying that. i do.. its so … wrong. it makes me feel like a horrible person. but that is what the struggle is.
if life was strictly about fulfilling my heart i would be on a plane every 15 minutes. Traveling, dancing, experiencing the world and the amazing people in it. But I cant. I’ve emptied my savings and maxed out my credit cards more than a few times in the past few years. To see friends, take vacations… live in new york. But every penny was always worth it. Thats where I am stuck. money is not important to me. But at the end of the day I want to live in a safe place, have enough money to get by and not worry day and night about it. and that requires me to care about what kind of job i get. So now we land in may of next year.
I keep thinking… something will fall into place. will it though? is a job at a high school for an arts position just going to open up? is the job im pining after in new york going to not be able to find someone for nine months? I mean, if we can create life in nine months i think Steps can fill a position. I am ok with staying in austin for the next year, but i worry ill lock myself in. and never grow. unless i travel all summer, every summer. see! these are all the ifs. I’ve planned my life out a year in advance for as long as i can remember. and i hate this position of have NO CLUE. i at least know in what country ill be living in, and now. nothing. i got nada.
feel free to weigh in on my life.
cheers. cause i need a drink.