A social media meltdown

The other day my mom and I left to go shopping. I had grabbed my phone charger to plug into her car because about 3 minutes prior to our departure my phone had died. We got in the car and my mom plugged hers in because it was almost dead. Therefor, leaving me phone less. no big deal.. but after about an hour or so of having my phone off i realized how much I’m actually on all of my social media sites and how much i constantly have something to say via text. So, i left my phone off the duration of the day until we arrived home.

After turning back on my phone i had missed a total of ten or so texts, calls, notifications. But found myself in a new state of calmness. of not knowing and honestly, not caring what my friend ate for dinner that night. So, i walked away from all the technology and social media for the night.

Since then, I’ve tried something… i can get on all my social media sites as much as i would like but i cannot scroll. I cannot stalk.. I read whats in front of me if i want and turn it off. I’ll post, whenever i want. in case you were wondering.

I have found that I am so much more calm. Simply because Im not reading through other peoples lives making comparisons and self destructing by believing that i need to keep up with the jones simply because I know what they are doing.

Looking on the last year of so I’ve been using my social media to bash my life. comparing their weekend plans to mine. Comparing dance, comparing events, comparing accomplishments. “like really… come on” I had to say to myself.

Maybe it is just me… but think about it… how much do you do as a result of what you see others doing on social media.

I feel like now i know whats trending in life… not just on twitter.

Advertisements

cheers to fall! (season favorites!)

With the cooler weather (meaning 95 degrees in Texas) kicking in I thought my fall favorites would come about by now! Im a seasonal kid at heart, from my years enjoying the cooler weather in the midwest and on the east coast! Here are some of my staples for this year! 

 

1. #PSL

Image

With our culture taking a techie turn with coffee i could not leave out my beloved pumpkin spice latte. basic white girl drink. hey. thats me! 

 

2. The bootie.

Image

This one is new for me but im trying to rock it. with a classic look and a toned down heel i think this will be the perfect essential for every working girl this season!

 

3. A metallic or dark nail.

Image

Darker colors are always in, and the metallic nail has been around for a while, but they are both making a comeback in a big way this fall. I am even seeing a matte and metallic combo! how fun!

 

4.  A good book (or audiobook) 

Image

I dont have much time to read, so an audiobook comes in handy in the car. Recently I read Ellen’s Seriously, I’m Kidding.. there were some good laughs.. very light hearted. I am not starting Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg. We’ll see how it is. I have high hopes 🙂 

 

 

Growing up I had many very smart and talented friends that had dreams of going to school in state, finding a man who treated them like a queen and having babies. I used to be baffled that their dreams ended there. That was their end all be all goal. I am no longer baffled by that thought, although it is not my dream. I support what each person wants for themselves and hope that if they have not already found themselves living their dreams, that they find them soon. 

I however, am at a place now where I am getting ready to graduate in april of this next year. I need to find a job to support myself 100% insurance and all. While, that task alone is daunting for anyone, I have no clue what I want. Im sure many find themselves in this position but I did not think i would end up here. Do I move? Do I teach.. english, dance, high school, studio? If i move do i move in state, out of state, new york, la, out of the country!? London is looking like a real option and something i am certainty considering. Chicago.. the place i once hated is somewhat appealing. 

Here is my thought. I was so in love with new york, and I still am. But! Do I, a college graduate (something i thought i might never say) want to go back to living that pay check to pay check lifestyle. Do i want a tiny million dollar apartment, with public transit… or do i want a townhouse with a garage. I DONT KNOW. Staying in Austin is so… easy. and I love working with the dancers I have now and i have some really amazing people in my life here. But I almost feel like they are looking at me the same way i am looking at myself… “leave… why would you not leave?!” But where am i going, and for what? Im afraid i will not fall back in love with new york like i remember. That city.. i mean… my soul pounded in my whole body everyday from just being alive there and what if that doesnt happen again? 

Plus, at this point, i want a job that fulfills my whole soul AND pays my bills. I know its a tall order, but it must happen. I have a job now with my amazing little family that fulfills me, all of me. But.. i have to be an adult, and adults pay rent. i hate saying that. i do.. its so … wrong. it makes me feel like a horrible person. but that is what the struggle is. 

if life was strictly about fulfilling my heart i would be on a plane every 15 minutes. Traveling, dancing, experiencing the world and the amazing people in it. But I cant. I’ve emptied my savings and maxed out my credit cards more than a few times in the past few years. To see friends, take vacations… live in new york. But every penny was always worth it. Thats where I am stuck. money is not important to me. But at the end of the day I want to live in a safe place, have enough money to get by and not worry day and night about it. and that requires me to care about what kind of job i get. So now we land in may of next year. 

I keep thinking… something will fall into place. will it though? is a job at a high school for an arts position just going to open up?  is the job im pining after in new york going to not be able to find someone for nine months? I mean, if we can create life in nine months i think Steps can fill a position. I am ok with staying in austin for the next year, but i worry ill lock myself in. and never grow. unless i travel all summer, every summer. see! these are all the ifs. I’ve planned my life out a year in advance for as long as i can remember. and i hate this position of have NO CLUE. i at least know in what country ill be living in, and now. nothing. i got nada. 

feel free to weigh in on my life. 

 

cheers. cause i need a drink. 

it’s a tsunami

When it rains, it really … actually i’m halfway to drowning. My grand plan doesn’t need some revisions… it needs to be completely scrapped. I feel like that bouncing ball on the Zoloft commercials. I understand that little ball now.  For the first time since I started dancing, the idea of taking class does not seem like the most appealing option in life. Had I not had school this week, I would have stayed in my bed. Enough. 

Everything I was working on within myself has been dropped. I know the consequences of dropping everything are effects I don’t really want to deal with, but for some reason I can gather up the effort to care. 

Im disappointed in myself. for the way I am right now, and honestly, because I believe I am not a “victim” of bad fortune. I believe millions of small decisions sent me here. I finally moved my eggs out of one basket and they have all broken. I am not sure where to go from here. Hopefully five years from now it will all make sense, but right now… this ‘everything happens for a reason’ excuse isn’t cutting it. its been almost a month of me feeling this way and it just needs to stop. 

When you’re told to change direction

After seven months I’m still not sure quite where this blog is going, but here is whats happening tonight. 

The past three years have been rough on my path in dance. I thought, that for me, my path was to teach, and teach well and slowly my calls and jobs would grow and becoming the choreographer I wanted to be would happen for me.

Two things are so wrong about this: One. Where is the work I’M doing in that thought? NOWHERE. and Two. I want people to love me. Im choreographing what I think people will love. I’ve lost myself in trying to please others and five out of ten pieces I create… I DONT LOVE. I dont hate them… but since when do i just tolerate pieces? 

Every year, whether Im reading judges critiques or listening to parents, what I expect will go over well…. doesn’t. and what they usually dislike are the very things I was doing to make them love me. so… after three years… HELLO! I have finally figured it out. 

So, this is my (not so) formal ‘im doing me’ announcement.  I understand that some still wont like it. I understand that this change isnt a straight shot to where I want to go. But I also have not closed myself off to one road. or even one dream. Im open to so much and I think thats key. Plus, the fact that I was unknowing sitting idol on my dreams is crazy. And Im a big believe in the saying “Your dreams dont work unless you do.” 

 

Cheers to your goals! 

Wouldn’t it be lovely.

I would be interested if there was some way to compile all of the “entities” on every social media, blogs and handwritten journals into one space. One entry, one book. I can only imagine that the things that have never been posted were the most honest. … I wonder if i’ll post this. 

For myself, usually, I just start writing, and sometimes, i feel like someone worthwhile comes out. So, i hit publish, or what have you. when I chose not to publish something it is usually because I feel like its too reveling, too dramatic or something of the sort. Im sure there is some mellow drama… but when I read back some unpublished post.. i definitely find them interesting. 

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day and we were talking about how we both over analyze everything we say to a certain person we both now. We do this out of fear that we wont be liked.. or they’ll think we are dumb.. you know. That got me thinking. 1. has anyone evert analyzed what they said to me? Just out of curiosity. and 2. this speaks to how incredibly candid I am with some people. 

Take students of mine. I find that most kids take to me because I’m so relatable. I tell them stories about my life, whether current or in the past. Sometimes I worry Im too much of their “friend” but when a kid hugs you and thanks you for helping them realize there is a life waiting for them outside of the hell of high school, I could care less if im not being “professional” enough. I had teachers who I felt where better people than any of my friends and at the time.. even though i may not have realized it they were a better friend to me than any of my BFF’s. 

I wonder if these lost entries could help someone relate. Because as humans we are social and the last thing any of us want is to feel alone. 

Blog Famous

I spent last week in New York City with my best friend playing and celebrating her recent graduation from college. On our last day we were spotted by the fashion section of Guest of a Guest. The shot some pictures of us and other people throughout the city to share what summer in the city is like when it comes to fashion. So, I thought I would share!

http://guestofaguest.com/new-york/fashion/nyc-street-style-summertime-in-the-meatpacking-district

Image\

Image

 

Image

 

Cheers to your ten minutes of fame!